| it's been a while....i can't imagine many people reading this...but i need to vent and xanga is the place for it....
today is hannah's birthday.......
so i was dating hannah for almost two years.....we lived together....well we did everything together........
we had the same friends.......she knew every word to my bands songs.....i know her whole life story....she used to always tell me stories about things in her past and i'd have to say "i know...i know this....i know everything"
cuz i listened to her.....and i remembered everything....
man i thought this was love......like true love....for a while i was struggling with my head...i couldn't figure out what it was that made me not want to fall too deep in love with hannah....maybe its my natural defense being as how i've been hurt so any times by girls....or if it was just her...
well later i found that i thought it WAS true love.....and i was gonna ask her to marry me and the turn of the year....
i mean who wouldn't.....everything was perfect.....nobody would have let that go....but seriously...to me anyways.....we were prefect besides the little problems EVERY relationship has.....
funny thing is....i trusted her 100%......she never trusted me....i didn't do anyhting to deserve that...but she was loyal to me forever....so there really weren't much trust issues...some but only from her....
for her birthday last year i bought her a bunch of painting supplies cuz i wanted her to get back into painting.....today they are still un opened in her room..i know this cuz i gave it all back to her last week....
you can't say i didn't try to get her to express herself....
i always pushed her to get a hobby....and find something she loved to do...
anyways....
hannah's brin started shifting.....ok...weird..i'm not a doctor or and psychologist by any means.......but i remember when i was her age......i did a LOT of things by impulse....our natural primal urge to "want" really gets the best of us when we are maturing......makes us feel different and think different and want more more more and ever more after that....
hannah and i are 4 years apart.....ya know she really seemed mature when i first met her. She had her problems sure but what i saw in her is what i expected up until lately........
one day she told me out of no where....after practice....that she didn't feel the same anymore and wanted to move home..and work on things......that stunned me for a bit.....i got all selfish and sad and i pretty much pushed her away.....
into another guys arms....
a freind of mine that i worked with...and friend of mine that i tried out for my band...a friend of i mine i offered to let him live in my duplex.....
what does friendship mean to people these days? i'm glad i'm one of the few still alive that values friendship.....
anways......a solid month of infedeltiy and it all comes out....
since the day i caught her....my world has been flipped. i feel completely different.....i think completely different....i act completely different....
it's as if i'm quickly becoming myself...i'm pulliing my way out of this with all my might....facing everything head on....getting it over with so ican move on and become myself.....again....
being older i have found that situations like this are easier to deal with...it's still hard.....very hard...and sometimes i get REALLY down and out.....but for a very short time......i used to hate myself.....butnow i'm beginning to atleast like myself some.....
i'm still the good person......i still have the good heart.....but now i'm on my own making myself my first priority .....i need to pull it together and get back on my feet...i've been doing very well...but the birthday thing is rough...
i don't know why i still care...i don't...really....she really hurt me...i should be mad and ok with not knowing her......but what we had semmed like it could have worked.....i was let down.....and sometimes in denial....who wouldn't be.........atleast i'm not drinking or anything like that...........i'm being the best i can be....
sorry everyone that this has caused so many problems with so many people.....i'm trying to get away from it.......come with me...let's just leave it....and start something new....something we all know won't fail.....let's not hold our breath though.......you really never know....
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it's been a while...i know..and it's gonna be even LONGER!!!!!
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| omg.......
R.I.P. Tim Jordan......wtf man....
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| yeah that last post was all a joke..
courtney is in fact straight...and i love her..and she is beautiful and awesome.....in no way is she a dike....
but she's still REDiculous. |
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